Playing It Straight

To all those trying to find themselves. You are enough just as you are.

the fake plants created a nice, homey feel. Of course, they were fake because Lily couldn’t ever keep anything alive

She told her mom everything, and she knew she was incredibly lucky to have their support.

empty nesters

She didn’t feel the butterflies everyone talked about, but she knew she was supposed to feel that way.

the expectations for alone time made Lily nervous.

Ryder had never seen Lily when she didn’t look her best, and she didn’t feel comfortable enough to let him see that side of her yet.

He was kind and funny, and she liked hanging it with him. But once they began dating, it was like an incredible pressure was placed on her to be just right, and she didn’t know how to shake it.

This was the first time he was in her new, private space, and she wasn’t so sure she wanted him there. But she knew she should want this. She was supposed to want this. So, she put on a smile and pulled him in for a kiss.

After what she assumed was a few minutes, her bra came off, and he continued to touch her skin, but the sensations never really registered.

She remembered falling asleep asking herself, “What the hell am I doing?”

seriously, hanky panky? Who says that? You are 21, not 61.

That’s why I tell you to practice mindfulness all the time.

She pulled on a black mini skirt and a shiny, green halter top. She knew she was showing more skin than she usually would, but it was also the first night back on campus, and dressing like this would be expected.

felt like Ryder fast forwarded over summer from a weird new couple place to more solid ground. Too bad Lily hadn’t made that transition along with him.

Lily sat there quietly listening for the most part. Everyone else was so loud and boisterous, so no one even noticed that she would just nod and only respond when someone talked to her directly. She had always felt somewhat awkward in large crowds. She didn’t always know what to say, and she knew her sense of humor was much darker than other people.

She didn’t know the rules about all of this, and that bothered her.

Lily felt awkward, as usual. She could dance when there were specific moves. She needed choreography to feel confident, but without direction, she just felt lost.

As he touched her, Charlie’s face flashed in her mind. Lily pushed the thought away and stopped kissing him long enough to grab a condom from her nightstand. He used that moment to finish undressing.

As they moved together, visions of Charlie’s smile filled her thoughts.

Right now, though, Lily was too scared to show anyone else those sides of her. She kept her weird tucked in, hidden from everyone else at school. She realized last night that trying to fit what people expected of her was getting harder and harder and school hadn’t even started yet.

“And it’s okay to cuddle with your boyfriend. You are supposed to like that stuff.” She wondered if other girls had to mentally prepare themselves to spend time with their boyfriend or if it was just her.

Lily wanted to call her friend and process the night, but she didn’t want to be needy.

It was okay to say no to someone. She just hated disappointing people or making them angry.

Charlie chose to be comfortable while Lily was wearing a pink sundress. Not because she liked it. She would much rather be in jeans and a t-shirt. No, she thought she needed to look like this. She always felt like she needed to make a good impression. Lily knew she worried too much about what other people thought. It was part of her anxiety, but she also knew she could only control so much about other people, so she was always “on,” always her best self to make sure she didn't turn people off. She could tell Charlie only cared about making herself happy.

“That’s not what I meant, babe. What I mean is you are a nerd through and through. You love murder shows and any kind of book. And you are into weird shit other people have never heard of. And your thing for nostalgic movies that no one remembers is cute. That is what makes you you. I just want you to have other people you can be that way with, not just me.”

But Lily also knew she could be anxious, and when she was anxious, she could be weird. Lily felt like she was too much a lot of the time, and this stopped her from meeting new people and feeling confident. She was aware of her personality, and it took a while for her to feel comfortable with people, but she didn’t feel that way with Charlie. It was a double-edged sword. She wanted more. She wanted all of Charlie she could get, but she was worried she would be too much. She didn’t know where the line was.

Lily always told herself she was too much of a follower. Tell her to be somewhere at 6 in the morning, and she will be there at 5:45 with coffee.

Babe. That word was like a punch to the gut. Lily knew Charlie said Ted was not her boyfriend, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling of jealousy coursing through her. And just because they weren't dating doesn't mean they weren’t still something. People hook up all the time and aren’t together. The thought made Lily want to vomit.

What if there was something else going on? Was it possible that she wasn’t straight? That thought made her heart race, but it didn’t seem wrong. She thought about it for a few moments and ran through the list of labels she knew. “Gay, lesbian, straight, bi, pan, queer…” There were so many options, but she had no idea which she would use to describe herself. Before this year, she would have said she was straight without question. Straight was the only answer, but now...Now it didn’t feel right at all.

“No,” Nora cut in. “She’s dressed up for herself. Not everything is about you.”

The kisses were drugging as hands continued to explore but never moved below the underwear, just lingering touches that were as thrilling and exciting as actual sex. Lily had only been with a few guys, but these moments with Charlie were more intimate than anything she had ever experienced.

That’s part of the anxiety. I just want people to like me; everyone wants to fit it. So, I figured if I could be who they wanted me to be, that wouldn’t be a problem. And when I got here, I slipped into that role. It was like putting on a second skin that was slightly too tight, and I only ever get to take it off when I’m at home with Jenny…and now, when I’m around you.”

“I like to show girls out there that you can have natural hair and be beautiful or that you can get your hair done and look great. Growing up, everyone told me to keep my head down and blend in, but I want girls like me to know it’s okay to stand out. And I want girls today to know that there is no one right way to be a strong, Black woman.”

I mean, I’m a cheerleader, I have dated men. You may have seen the signs, but I didn’t. People like me aren’t gay.”

Her therapist’s common phrase was “don’t be a doormat,” and Lily loved knowing that she could speak with someone who would call her out and push her to continue to grow.